The Ten Commandments of Thrifting

The ancient religious texts of thrift store shopping have been translated into many languages and studied by scores of scholars.  While there are many who believe fervently in the Church of Thrift, there has never been a definitive reading of its core beliefs.

That is, until now.  Ladies and Gentlemen, please join The Frugal Hostess as she reveals the true meaning of:

The Ten Commandments of Thrifting

I.  Thou shalt have no other thrifts before me.  In other words, you must check the thrift store before you pay retail or buy something new.  A good way to manage this is to keep a thrifting notebook in your purse or car.  Don't laugh; TFH really does this.  It includes the hours and directions for her favorite thrift stores, and she uses it for a running list of the items she is looking for.

II.  Thou shalt not take the name of your thrift in vain.  Don't pretend like you don't shop at the thrift store; own it!  Or, at the very least, smile mysteriously when someone asks where you got your dress and say, "Um, I'm not sure.  It was on sale."

III.  Remember to keep holy the thrifter's day.  FruHo is reticent to share this, but the day before a big scheduled sale is the best day for thrifting.  For example, if your place has half-off on Wednesdays, go on Tuesday.  Trust.  If you want to go to the sale day, first take your temperature.  If you aren't suffering from a high fever, set your alarm and get there the MOMENT the store opens.  Protect your extremities and watch your back.

IV.  Honor thy thrifting forebears.  (Is that the correct word?  Does it refer to old bears?)  Always defer to old ladies and gentlemen at the thrift store.  They have been going there a lot longer than you, and no matter how broke you are, they are surely broker.  Let that grouchy old woman take that cashmere sweater you spotted from down the aisle; she deserves it.

V.  Thou shalt not kill.  This should be obvious.  No moldy pair of Manolos is worth a stint in the Big House.

VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Just because your regular thrift store didn't yield a Chanel jumpsuit last time doesn't mean you can just throw it away like a used tissue.  Thrifting karma is such that regular visits yield best results, just like how proper care and feeding can keep a relationship alive.

VII.  Thou shalt not steal.  In the thrift store, this means you must buy both pieces of the two-piece suit rather than leaving a pair of orphan pants behind.  You can't stuff three silk scarves into your new beach bag, and you may not switch out a price tag.

VIII.  Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.  Don't skip in line or snatch something out of another thrifter's hands. 

IX.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.  Um, not sure here.  Any suggestions?

X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's good.  Just because Ellie May Nextdoor has a Gucci bag and 14 pairs of Louboutins doesn't mean you should try to compete.  If you shop at the thrift store, no one will have anything like what you have, because it will all be unique.  Bonus?  You can trade in your clothes every season if you want, because you'll have only spent a fraction of retail, even discounted retail.

Please stay tuned for FruHo's next exegesis of sacred text.  In the meantime, any thoughts on number nine up there?

Photo by Steve Snodgrass

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Poopy Diaper Invitation

Yesterday, The Frugal Hostess encouraged you to host a baby shower and gave you several ideas. Her favorite was obviously the Gross-Out Baby Shower, and, if you missed it, you better go back. Here are the directions for creating the sublime Poopy Diaper Invitation.

First, make a diaper template using a stupid old spreadsheet from work or some other scratch paper. TFH free-handed this one, because she's an edgy girl. If you'd like a template, email frugalhostess [at] gmail [dot] com.  UPDATE: templates and instructions are now available here.


Second, fold a piece of white card stock in half and cut off one inch. You are probably safer using a paper-cutter here for straightness, but don't over-value straightness. You know, with paper or with people....

Third, use your template to cut a diaper out of the newly trimmed white card stock. Trace with a pencil or just cut around the design.

Fourth, and this is an optional step, cut a contrasting color for the inside of the diaper. This just makes it look a little more cool when it's closed. The Frugal Hostess used buff, but you could do pink or blue, too.
Fifth, get your template back out and trace the front of the diaper on some brown card stock. This is to make sure that your insert can't be seen when the invitation is closed. TFH made two in case she screwed one up, which she totally did.

Sixth, cut out the shape you traced, then cut a curvy shape out of it to resemble, well, you know, poop. But lovely, clean, cartoon poop. TFH tried two different shapes, and the one with the most curves looked and worked much better. This needs to be done free-hand to match the way your diaper came out when you cut it, but you can email for a template if you want to risk it. Test the shape to make sure that you can't see it when you close the invitation.

Seventh, write out what you want the invitation to say (TFH suggests using the template you cut out of scratch paper, since the size is close), then write it on your shape using a white or silver pen.
Eighth, select something to use as the "diaper pin." The Frugal Hostess thought about cutting one out of gray or silver paper. She also looked at ribbon, wire, a safety pin, and this random piece of copper wire. But, in the end, a fancy-shaped paper clip won out because it looked the best.
And that, Gentle Readers, is how you cook up a Poopy Diaper Invitation....

Baby Showers

The Frugal Hostess loves babies. In fact, she considers herself something of a baby whisperer. She has hosted many a baby shower in her day, and now she’s going to help with yours.

First, some notes on etiquette. (What? You know TFH is old-fashioned. In some ways. Namely, the ways that don’t exclude frequent dropping of the f-bomb.) Please don’t host your own baby shower. That is so extra tacky and random that The Frugal Hostess is struck speechless. If you are hosting a shower for a friend or co-worker, please ask her who she’d like to invite. And, at the risk of stirring up some controversy, don’t hold a surprise shower for a pregnant lady. Who knows what this will cause….

Next, if you are the guest of honor, remember these rules. Get a gift for the hostess(es). Be understanding when she asks you to limit the guest count; she’s not made of money. Remember that your registry, like traffic signals in Italy, is a suggestion rather than a law – people can get you whatever they want, and they really don’t have to get you anything, so take whatever you get and like it. As a wise man once said, “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset.”

Finally, all parties must remember that the arrival of a new life into the world is a miraculous, beautiful thing. Marking the occasion should be joyful and fun, not another hash mark to add to the Great Scoreboard of Life. So what if the guest of honor will never get you a baby gift or throw you a reciprocal shower?

Now that the lecturing is over, on to the party. There are all kinds of wonderful themes for baby showers, and hosting one is fun because you can indulge your love of tiny socks or whatever without looking like a freak. Here are a few to think about:

Miniature Baby Shower: Serve miniature versions of the mom-to-be’s favorite foods, like sliders, soup in shot glasses, and cupcakes. Use dollhouse furniture for centerpieces, and send out invitations on miniature cards (you’ll have to tuck these into normal envelopes to mail, but whatevs.)

Library Baby Shower: The Frugal Hostess did this one for a pregnant book-lover. Send the invitations on cards made from children’s books, and ask guests to bring a favorite book to start the baby’s library. Stack old children’s books (bought for cheap at a thrift store) as centerpieces, running pieces of pastel ribbon through the pages and across the table. Place vases of flowers atop each stack. For games, have guests match characters up with book titles. And for your menu, serve items inspired by children’s books, like green eggs and ham. TFH held this party in the restaurant above a famous indie book store, but it’s just as cool at home.

Monochromatic Baby Shower: For some reason, The Frugal Hostess finds monochromatic color schemes extremely soothing. For example, her clothes are lined up in order of color, so that her closet is a fabric rainbow. Thus, the all-pink, all-blue, or, for those parents who want a surprise, the all-white baby shower. Pink showers could serve ham finger sandwiches, pink champagne and lemonade, cupcakes with pink frosting, watermelon, radicchio salad, and radishes with sea salt. Blue showers could do sliders with blue cheese, arugula and walnut salad with blueberry vinaigrette, blue corn tortilla chips and salsa, and stuffed Peruvian blue potatoes. White menu ideas would include a mashed potato bar, clam chowder, marshmallows (roast your own is fun), white bean dip with white tortilla chips, and white pizza. Obviously, the décor matches the color you pick. Think beyond flowers by using scarves, paper, or Christmas ornaments in the correct colors.

OK, OK, these are good ideas, but The Frugal Hostess has one more for you. This is especially good if you and most of the guests are single girls unlikely to want or have babies in the next year. And the guest of honor must be very cool and have a great sense of humor. Or you must secretly hate her. It is elegantly named The Gross-Out Baby Shower. Here’s what you do:

Invitations: Make folded diapers from white card stock. On the inside, cut brown paper to fit, and write the details in white or silver ink. (Pictures and detailed instructions for this coming soon. It’s harder to describe in words than it is to make.) UPDATE: Complete templates and instructions available here.

Food: Split pea soup served in glass containers or baby food jars; cocktail wienies in sauce; veggies and ranch dip; milk punch served in baby bottles; and chocolate mousse.

Games:

1. Diaper Sniffing – Get six real disposable diapers and six different candy bars. Unwrap candy, place in diapers, and microwave for 30-60 seconds (you want a slight melt, not full-on runny). Guests must sniff each diaper to guess which kind of candy bar is in it. So gross!

2. Baby Food Tasting – Get six or so jars of different flavors of baby food. This works best if two are yellow, two are green, etc. Pull off the labels or cover them with your own (you can cut up brown paper bags for this so they aren’t see-through). Each guest gets a tasting spoon and has to guess what flavor is contained in each jar. Yuck!

3. Pinata – Get a piñata in the shape of a baby. Fill it with brown and yellow candy. Just kidding, this is even too disgusting for The Gross-Out Baby Shower.

Sounds like fun! Stay tuned for instructions and pictures, and feel free to subscribe while you’re at it so you don’t miss a thing.

photos by freeparking, peasap, clevercupcakes, and Photo Mojo

Frugallazy

When her friend, Miss Georgia Sugar (pictured below), asked The Frugal Hostess for help treating a dread disease, TFH knew she had to jump in. The disease is childrenitus frugalitation preventionistis, and there is at least one related strain: worktoomuchia frugalitation preventionistis. Both are interchangeably known by the street name Frugallazy. This scourge typically first strikes women in their 20s or 30s and most men at birth and/or puberty.

Symptoms include:
- Genetic replication resulting in one or more offspring.
- Constant and repeated compulsive need to cash pay checks, resulting in related repetitive appearances at a job.
- Exhaustion related to one of the above symptoms.
- Extreme over-consumption of shelter publications such as Elle Decor, Home and Garden, and Architectural Digest. (May also manifest as watching the same episode of any show on HGTV more than 12 times.)
- Irrational loathing of at least one Food Network personality.
- Unrealistic belief that Sundays contain enough hours to complete all of the projects the sufferer has in mind.

Sound familiar? Well, turn that frown upside-down, because The Frugal Hostess has the cure. Try one of these starter projects and see if your Frugallazy doesn't clear itself up in a flash!

Problem: I need to make cookies from scratch for my kid's class, but I have Frugallazy.
Solution: Don't! Wow, don't you feel better already? Or, you can employ a strategy TFH read about in a great book (title? fleeting...memory...gone....). The protagonist was too busy to make homemade baked goods for her child's class, so she bought some cookies and "distressed" them - broke some, jacked up the frosting, etc. to make them look homemade. Or, you can buy a bag of Chips Ahoy and a tub of chocolate icing. Spread the icing on the cookies and make little sandwiches. Half-assed, yes, but still pretty rad.

Problem: I want to have a party but my Frugallazy makes me not willing/able to be all theme-tastic.
Solution: Have the easiest party in the world. Here's the menu/shopping list: one can of mixed nuts; one jar of country olives; three hunks of cheese; and one box of crackers (TFH recommends the most delicious cracker in all the land - Triscuits. TFH does not recommend grody old Wheat Thins. Just sayin'). If you're feeling ambitious, add one package of pate; one container of cherry tomatoes; one bunch of grapes; and 12 miniature chocolate cupcakes. Invite eight friends to each bring a bottle of wine from a different country, and call it a wine-tasting party. OMG, The Frugal Hostess is starving.

Problem: I have to buy a baby gift for this girl at work but my Frugallazy is flaring up.
Solution: If the gift is given pre-birth of baby, throw together a pampering gift for the mom. Put sugar, almond or canola oil (an oil that smells good or doesn't smell at all), and vanilla extract or a good-smelling essential oil into a small jar (rub off the salsa label, lazy). Shake it up, and you have all-natural, non-toxic body scrub! If the gift is post-birth, partner with her partner to plan a night on the town, wherein the partner pays, and you babysit! Or, fill your small jar with pureed organic carrots, and call it baby food!

Problem: I need a hostess gift for this dinner thing, and my Frugallazy is getting in the way.
Solution: Bring the hostess three books you have already read, with a ribbon tied around them if you can muster up the strength. While this isn't exactly a gift, its bounty will distract, and it will be appreciated. Also vehemently compliment every dish and every thing in her house, which will make up for the ribbon that you were, after all, too slack to tie around the three books.

Look. You're cured!