The Ultimate FruHo Guide to House Guests

The Frugal Hostess feels sure she has written about having house guests before, but no posts are popping out to make themselves known.  If this is a repeat, she'd guess you could probably use a refresher, anyway.  

House guests are a delightful treat, as long as you know they are coming.  Occasionally, surprise guests are also fun (but, confidential to FruHubs: not if they are relatives and not if it is your anniversary).   If you make up your mind to enjoy the experience, then you will.  Here's why:

1.  Having someone stay with you gives you the chance to see your house through fresh eyes.  When you are frantically shoving old greige bras in a drawer and sweeping cat litter off pillow cases, you see nothing but dirt and shabbiness everywhere.  This is a much-needed wake up call because, frankly, your house is a mess.  Those dog hair tumbleweeds and Ross Dress-for-Less price tags that you pretend you can't see behind the door?  Your guest can see them.  The huge splash stain on the painting in the hall where you dropped a cup of coffee and never wiped it off?  Yeah, Slobbalina, your company has not developed the same selective sight lines you have and will totally zero in on that immediately.  Get busy and hide your disgusting habits from outsiders!!!

2.  Company is the perfect excuse to buy things.  Once you've given your pad the once-over and realized it does not measure up, it's a good time to hit the stores for some lipstick to put on that pig.  New throw pillows will cover the blood stain on your couch, and heavily-scented soaps will mask the dog kennel/baby diaper smell that permeates your place.  Be sure to stock up on Febreeze, candles, and all the latest issues of your favorite frivolous magazines (you know, for the guests to read).

3.   A house guest creates an instant party.  Whether you live alone or with a family of monkeys, adding another person to the mix is the perfect excuse for a fiesta.  You really owe it to your guest to let him try your new recipe for the perfect Manhattan, and you couldn't possibly live with yourself if you didn't have artisan chocolates on hand to share.  Stay up late, turn the music on loud, and throw caution (or your morning meeting) to the wind; you've got company, baby.

Your guest may be a college chum who hasn't showered since she left the Panic tour or your very proper in-laws.  Whoever it is, there are certain base line amenities that you must provide if you don't want to get trash-talked to all of your mutual acquaintances.  Here's a short list:

1.  A place to sleep.  Whether you offer a guestroom, futon, air mattress, or couch, please do act as though you expected someone.  Have a pillow and blanket available, and, if they can't be set up in advance, help your guest make her bed.  There is nothing more pitiful feeling than making up your own couch in an unfamiliar setting.

2.  T. O. W. E. L. S. Well, maybe one thing is worse, and that is having no towels to use.  Seriously, if you can't prepare a clean towel in advance, please return to adult school and repeat.  You should also stick your head into the bathroom your guest will use and check for soap, toothpaste, and shampoo.  Even if no one in your family uses anything but shower gel and a prayer to get clean, just get some freaking soap for a guest.

3.  A plan.  There should be some semblance of a plan of what's going to happen while your guest is in town.  The plan can be, "Let's sit around and prank call our elementary school teachers."  It can be anything, and it can be totally flexible, but it should exist.  Have some ideas, like, "I thought we could visit the iguana farm up the road and then grab ice cream, but if you have something else in mind, that's cool, too."  Also?  Communicate said plans.  It sucks to be a stranger in a strange land and not know what's going on until it sneaks up on you, as in "Milicent, we're leaving for the ballet in 20 minutes."  FruHo has been known to cry out of shear fury under similar circumstances.

If you are interested in earning hostess bonus points (and, really, isn't that what it's all about?), here are some things you should do:

- Have some cold breakfast items (danish, cereal, fruit) set out on the kitchen table, and prepare the coffee pot so all anyone has to do is turn it on.  Put the appropriate dishes out there, too.

- Put your easiest-to-use TV remote in the guest room.

- Set a small vase of fresh flowers in the guest room or bathroom.

- Get your guest's Thing.  Like, if he is a tea lover, get tea and all the accoutrement.  If she loves pulpy orange juice, throw her out get her some.

- Arrange an event.  Whether it's a dinner party or just drinks and darts at the bar, make an effort to honor your guest and introduce him to your friends.  

- If you have one, put a picture of you and your guest in the guest room.  Or, if you have a photo of her child, put that out.  This will make guests feel loved and let them know that you were excited for their visit.

- Bottom line: Do whatever you can to make your visitor feel special.  The older you get, the more lifelong memories are made during these sporadic weekends sprinkled in between the drudgery of your real life.  So don't blow it!

You're a Great Guest, Vol. 2: Arriving

You have already said yes to your host's invitation, so you're going to the party.  You heard: You.  Are.  Going.  What time should you arrive?  

Arrive a few minutes after the start time on the invitation.  The FruHo arrival time table looks like this:

If you are Really Good Friends, arrive not more than 15 minutes after the stated arrival time, but preferably 5-10 minutes late.  Your hostess is beginning to worry that no one will show up to this extravagant mess, so help her feel better by getting there a teensy bit late to let her finish applying deodorant, but no more than that, and earlier than everyone else.

If the party is cocktail or reception style, and there are fewer than 30 invited guests, arrive no more than 30 minutes late.  If there are more than 30 guests, you can expand that to 45 minutes, but no more.  (And, yes, friends of The Frugal Hostess in real life, it might indeed be a good idea for her to practice this rule.)

If you are going to be more than 30 minutes late, you must call or text.  Emailing does not count, and forget about a Facebook message.

If there is dinner involved, do not be late.

Fellow hostesses of the world, do you agree with this time table?  What would you add or subtract?

Photo by alexkerhead

The Frugal Hostess invites you to share the love on the Fast Company Influencer Project.

In Defense of Velveeta Fudge

The Frugal Hostess was recently at an event populated by a ton of food bloggers.  It was fun, for sure, but also kind of weird.  First of all, TFH doesn't consider herself a food blogger, per se.  Sure, there are recipes on this blog, but she's more of a lifestyle writer.  Or something.  Who knows.

Anyway, one of the serious food bloggers brought up Paula Deen and The Food Network.  She (the Serious Food Blogger) said that she thought the Food Network was ruining American food by featuring cooks like Paula Deen.  Or destroying it.  Or something like that.  She used as an example a recipe for fudge that Ms. Deen made using Velveeta as an ingredient.

[Is that gross?  Or kind of awesome?  Hard to say.]

Really?  Ruining food in America?  Crazy ole Paula Deen?  You must be joking.

Now, if you've ever read this blog before, you know that The Frugal Hostess is one of those crunchy granola-eating, scrap-composting, organic food-obsessing hippie yuppies.  Well, whatever the poor version of that is.  And she would never, ever give you some nasty, Sandra Lee version of a recipe that requires you to dye your noodles with yellow food coloring to make them look homemade.  Ick.  Really: buy as much local, organic, humane, fair food as you can, and make that a priority over almost everything else.  There.  TFH is on the record.

However.

FruHo would also like to go on the record as saying that the giant corporations who produce the bulk of our processed, chemicalized, genetically-modified Frankenfood get to take the blame for fucking up food in America.  Not Paula Deen, not the Food Network, and not even that most unholy of unholies, Sandra Lee.  Do not blame the victims, fancy Serious Food Blogger; go for the real villains who invented high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated vegetable oil.

Furthermore, TFH would like to thank said monster companies for producing food that allows women to fulfill destinies other than those wrapped in apron strings.  If there were no take-out, no Tuna Helper, and no Velveeta, how many of us and our moms would be yanked out of the workplace and churning butter?  Sure, the food sucks and is built for profit rather than nutrition, but what if women still had to make everything from scratch?

Would it be better if everyone ate whole foods made with love at home?  Absolutely.  But we don't yet have a viable alternative that doesn't patronize the poor, pile work on people who are already stretched too thin, or otherwise move the target from agribusiness (where it belongs) to Ma and Pa.

We need a Slow Food Movement, but more than that we need a Slow Life Movement.

How else can we get the time to enjoy Grandma's Jello and Miracle Whip Salad?

The Frugal Hostess doesn't dig food snobs. Please comment. You can also join the Frugalistas on Facebook for exclusive content, follow on Twitter @frugalhostess, or subscribe so that you always know when a new post appears.

Christmas Handicrafts

A few Christmases ago, The Frugal Hostess was flat broke.  She and FruHubs had spent a ton of money on their wedding [and, yes, their parents paid for everything, so how they accomplished that level of post-wedding poverty remains mysterious but may or may not be related to a year-long spending spree on things "for the wedding/honeymoon/to celebrate our engagement/because we're celebrating/etc."] and were living in a part of town they couldn't really afford.  Meanwhile, TFH had recently begun drinking an Al Gore-flavored Kool-Aid that made her want to decrease her consumption [conveniently, this coincided with a time when she would be consuming on behalf of others rather than herself].  So, she decided to make each and every one of the Christmas gifts that she and FruHubs would be giving to anyone.

Have you ever Googled "homemade Christmas gift" or "Christmas crafts"?  If you haven't, The Frugal Hostess will spare you.  Almost every result is either something made of macaroni like a small child would create (and then be too embarrassed to give you) or something so ridiculously complicated that you spend more money on the equipment that you would purchasing the non-homemade version of the same thing.  Hmmph.  Pipette, Martha?  Really???

Some parts of this DIY XMAS plan were easy.  TFH had gotten into paper crafts and had, before poverty struck, purchased a ton of supplies for making her own greeting cards and gift tags.  She bought a bunch of cheap wrapping supplies at after-Christmas sales the year before, and she had started her Regifting Closet.  So, you know, she wasn't totally screwed.

However.

However, there was a lot of this that was exceedingly hard and annoying.  So this year, as her Christmas gift to you, The Frugal Hostess plans to give you detailed instructions for make-it-yourself presents that are A.) not made of macaroni, and B.) don't require a huge amount of special equipment.  Merry Christmas!!!*

To get you started, here are some past posts that include great DIY presents.  TFH has a long list of things she'll be making on your behalf, but if you have an idea you'd like her to try, leave it in the comments or email it to frugalhostess [at] gmail [dot] com.

Homemade Grenadine
Limoncello and Other Cordials - PLEASE NOTE: these take six to eight weeks, so start now if you're doing them for Christmas!
Dog Biscuits

*On the whole Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays debate, TFH comes down firmly on the side of say what you celebrate.  If you celebrate Kwanzaa, tell people, "Happy Kwanzaa."  If you celebrate Hanukkah, wish someone, "Happy Hanukkah."  And, obviously, if you celebrate Christmas, say, "Merry Christmas."  If you don't have a tradition, or if your tradition is one without nomenclature like Festivus or Solstice or Commercialus, and yet you still (maybe oddly) feel the need to throw out a seasonal wish, say, "Happy Holidays."  Just because you don't celebrate Hanukkah doesn't mean you should get offended at someone wishing you a happy one.  Duh.  Don't be an asshole.

photo by Kevin Dooley and Hans van de Bruggen

The Frugal Hostess wishes you the happiest of Happy Kwanzaas. Please send a card, or a comment of you're so inclined. You can also join the Frugalistas on Facebook for exclusive content, follow on Twitter @frugalhostess, or subscribe so that you always know when a new post appears.