The Frugal Hostess Forgot How to Cook

The Frugal Hostess loves to eat.  Or, put a less "hog-snuffling-down-slop"-sounding way, she loves to dine.  It started when she got her first real job out of college and got to eat at a fancy restaurant for free every now and then.  TFH began to learn about food and wine and was still young enough that her metabolism outpaced her fork.  (Alas, those days are long gone; now the fork is the fastest moving part of her body.)

Her favorite hobby remains tasting multiple courses at the best restaurants and critiquing them with The Frugal Husband.  In fact, she pretty much introduced The Frugal Husband to the art of dining (if she does say so herself), taking him to a few amazing restaurants for a few amazing meals in the early years of their courtship.  Which began around the same time as those free dinners at that fancy place.  The courtship, that is.  Coincidentally.  Or maybe not....

Because he knows how much she loves to eat out, The Frugal Husband has recreated some of their favorite meals on special occasions.  The first was a Valentine's Day dinner.  They sat on the floor to eat, but who cares about those details when you're chewing on roasted asparagus and Hollandaise sauce?  Over the years, he's surprised The Frugal Hostess by making exact or even better replicas of dishes they tasted at the most expensive restaurants.  In the process, The Frugal Husband has become an amazing chef, able to invent recipes that make you want to punch yourself in the ear if it means you can have more.

Now, The Frugal Hostess loves to cook.  She finds it relaxing and therapeutic, with the added bonus of there being something to eat at the end.  She's even been called a good cook before.

However. 

However, The Frugal Hostess has been on a streak of suck lately.  Like, everything she touches turns to gruel. Here are some examples:

Supposed to be: Crunchy Tofu Nuggets | Actually was: Tofu Jerky

When prepared correctly, this is actually good.  You take a block of tofu, cut it into two by two squares (like a half inch thick), roll the squares in breadcrumbs, and bake for a long, long time.  Dipped in barbecue sauce, these give the distinct impression of Chicken McNuggets.  Except for, you know, the chicken part.  And, if you accidentally leave it in the oven for an extra hour because you can't tear yourself away from Facebook.  Or something.

Supposed to be: Veggie Meatloaf | Actually was: Loaf of Horror, GI Distress, and Grossness

Listen, The Frugals do (or celebrate, as it were) Meatless Monday.  And it gets boring eating scrambled eggs or, uh, not meat, so TFH researched some recipes that would add variety to Meatless Monday.  This Veggie Meatloaf was made from lentils, brown rice (OK, TFH can hear you.  Those ingredients do not necessarily mean the food will be gross.  It's just a coincidence.), wheat germ, eggs, and spices.  And rotten dead things, based on the resulting flavor.  The Frugal Husband tried so hard to eat that crap, too, fearing a meltdown from his wife.  Alas, they both suffered for hours as a result of that dreadful Loaf of Horror.

And lest you think that only the meatless meals go afoul....

Supposed to be: Barbecued Chicken Pizza | Actually was: Sawdust Pie with Smoked Chicken and Burn

Man, The Frugal Hostess used to rule at making pizza dough.  What happened??  This pizza was prepared like any other.  She made the dough a day in advance and let it rise in the fridge overnight.  She rolled it out a little, sauced it up, and sprinkled on the toppings (which included some YUM smoked chicken that The Frugal Husband had made and frozen).  She baked it at the correct temperature for the correct amount of time.  Actually, that's totally a lie - that pizza sat in the oven a good 20 minutes longer than it should have.  But, The Frugal Husband was changing out all the light switches in the kitchen at the time, so TFH was kind of hiding by reading blogs, and time just passed....  So it's really The Frugal Husband's fault, at least on that one.

On the one hand, TFH is delighted by her husband's cooking prowess; it's the modern man's version of hunting and fishing, she supposes.  On the other hand, what the hell? 

photos by Geoff604, Back Garage, and The Punch Pizza

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Snack Dinner

If only this included pate, it would be the perfect meal.

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Halloween Bat Mobiles

In case you missed it, The Frugal Hostess decorated for Halloween.  You can catch up in yesterday's post.


Ingredients
Thin cardboard (like a gift box)
Assorted Halloween-y papers
Black glitter
Glue
Hole punch
Scissors
Black ribbon or string
Pencil

Directions
1.  Draw a bat on a piece of thin cardboard.    This is pretty easy; The Frugal Hostess did hers freehand and then replicated it.  You can also Google a bat shape and trace it.

2.  Cut out the bat shape, and then trace it to make four more identical bats out of thin cardboard.  [If you are using this decoration inside, card stock will work just fine.]

3.  Trace those bat shapes onto your Halloween-y paper.  FruHo used papers on two bats (meaning she needed four shapes) and glitter on two bats (more on that in a minute).  You should pay attention to what side of the bat you're using for tracing; if your bat is at all lopsided (or "jaunty," as TFH's bats are), you'll need to keep track of which cut out goes with which bat.  Just number them or something simple.

4.  Cut the bat shapes out of the paper you've traced it on, and glue it to the cardboard bats.  [Gift box/tampon box - use what you have!]

5.  If you decide to glitter any of your bats, The Frugal Hostess suggests that you spray paint or color them with markers first.  She didn't, and as a result she had to use about twice as much glitter and still had gaps.

6.  When the bats are dry, cut a one inch slit in the bottom of two bats and the top of the other two bats.

7.  Punch a hole (if you have a hole-punch that is smaller than standard, that will be better) in the bats that have been cut from the bottom up, and string the ribbon through the hole.  The length of the ribbon will be determined by where you're hanging it.

8.  Push the bat with the ribbon into the bat cut from the top down, so that they interlock.  Presto, flying bat mobile extraordinaire!

The Frugal Hostess has bats in her belfry.  Please comment. You can also join the Frugalistas on Facebook for exclusive content, subscribe so that you always know when a new post appears, or follow on Twitter.

Halloween Porch Decorations

The Frugal Hostess likes to decorate her front porch for the various holidays and seasons.  She sometimes buys decorations (usually at the after-holiday sales), but she really prefers throwing things together.  After the graduation party a few weeks back, TFH decided she would definitely make a fabric banner for Halloween using purple, green, black, and orange fabric.   Easier said than done, as it happened.  None of her fabric scraps were the right colors, and the thrift stores were suspiciously barren of fabric scrap bags.  [Do note that most thrift stores sell giant bags of fabric remnants for next to nothing - like, two dollars - TFH just had bad luck.  If you like to use fabric in your crafts, get thee to a thrift store.  Plus, you usually get random colors and patterns that you wouldn't pick out but are glad to have.]  She was finally able to score single napkins and pillow cases in the right colors, and away she went.  Instructions are here, if you missed it.

 
Next, she planned to use some of the things she made last year.  In a fit of new home owner crafting, The Frugal Hostess made bat mobiles, witches' hat garlands, a pumpkin still life, and a bunch of other stuff last Halloween.  While the decorations themselves fell apart, paper perhaps not being the most long-lasting of choices for outside decor, TFH saved all of her templates, ribbon, and other odds and ends in a box in the basement.

But wait!  Didn't her basement flood recently?  Oh no!  What happened to all of the templates?  (Doesn't that just sound like something that would get uttered in all seriousness in an accounting office somewhere?)  Well, Dear Reader(s?), they were rescued.  Whew.


For the door, FruHo (Yes.  Like J-Lo.) envisioned a creepy black wreath with a glow-in-the-dark skeleton.  Because she already had the skeleton and couldn't figure out what to do with it.  Here's how it went down.  TFH had purchased a huge lot of embroidery hoops at a thrift store a while back, because they are the perfect thing to use for paper craft mobiles, wreaths, etc.  She took two of them, one large and one small, and taped them together.  Then, using a pair of black tights that she sliced up, she wrapped the wreath shape to cover the tape.  (You could also spray paint it).  Next, she took a long and winding black scarf and wrapped it around the wreath, followed by a long piece of black velvet ribbon.  All of this was loosely secured with a couple of safety pins.  The final touch was to dangle the little skeleton from the wreath.  Now, you are probably normal and thus lacking in a storehouse of embroidery hoops, but the point here is to use what you have rather than spending a fortune on decorations.

To flank the fabric banner, TFH decided to make a couple of bat mobiles (mow-bull, not Bat Mobile like what Batman drives).  Detailed instructions are forthcoming soon, but these would be slightly less complicated than last year's bat-a-palooza, while making use of the already existing bat templates.  Brill.  She got out the box of templates, placed it on the table, and began to work.  She cut out the bats, did all the steps, blah blah blah to be explained in a later post.  And then she walked away from the table for a few minutes to talk to The Frugal Husband.  At which point one of the assholes cats peed into the box of templates.  That's right, folks; the templates that had been carefully tucked away for a year, then rescued from flood waters, were destroyed by cat piss.  All the more reason not to spend a lot of money on decorations, in The Frugal Hostess's humble opinion.

BOO!

The Frugal Hostess is turning into a cat lady. Please comment. You can also join the Frugalistas on Facebook for exclusive content, follow on Twitter, or subscribe so that you always know when a new post appears.

Limoncello Update

So, remember a while back when The Frugal Hostess made all kinds of booze treats?  They had to sit and mellow, then get sugar added, then sit for another six weeks.  Well, Dear Readers, today was the day that the various booze treats were unveiled.  And, since it's football day, The Frugal Hostess had some willing tasters to help her out.

Item One - Limoncello

The Frugal Husband: Uh, that's tart.  [Takes sip.]  That's really tart.  [Makes face.]

The Welder: Yeah, that's real tart.  [Slams back whole glass.]

Mr. Francalotta: [Makes face.  Gags.  Coughs.] That's, um, tart.  [Pours remainder out into spittoon.*]

The Frugal Hostess: [Takes small sip.  Gets instant heartburn.  Remembers that she doesn't care for limoncello.]

Item Two - Raspberry Lemonade

2oz limoncello
1oz raspberry liquor
1oz homemade grenadine
Shake with ice; serve up.

The Frugal Husband: This is like the free shot we get at darts. [Laughs nervously.]


The Welder: [Slams back whole glass.]

Mr. Francalotta: Um, that's better.  [Makes face.  Gags.  Coughs.]  [Pours remainder out into spittoon.*]


The Frugal Hostess: [Remembers that she totally loves raspberry liquor.]

*Spittoon = empty glass.  There isn't a real spittoon in The Frugal Homestead.  Yet.

Item Three - Raspberry Limoncello Mojito


2oz limoncello
1oz raspberry liquor
1oz grenadine
Muddled basil or mint leaves.
Shake; pour over crushed ice.
Top with soda water to taste.

The Frugal Husband: Are you trying to get us drunk?



The Welder: What's in this?  [Slams back whole glass.]


Mr. Francalotta: Uh.  [Makes face.]


The Frugal Hostess: [Remembers that she adores mojitos.]

Item Four - Apricot Vanilla Cordial

The Frugal Husband, The Welder, and Mr. Francalotta: [Take sips.] GROSS!!!

The Frugal Husband: That's terrible.

The Welder: That's disgusting.  It reminds me of when my brother tricked me into eating a block of unsweetened chocolate, and then punched me in the face.  [Does not slam back whole glass.]

Mr. Francalotta: [Makes a face not unlike when someone tastes poison for the first time.  Face sticks in that position for approximately five minutes.  Face relaxes into a more recognizably horrified face.]

The Frugal Hostess: [Takes sip.  Finds concoction delicious.  With an aftertaste of Band-Aids.]

Item Five - Lime Cordial

The Frugal Hostess had a small sip of this in the kitchen and, finding it to taste like nail polish remover, didn't give any to the boys.

The lesson?  You need WAY more sugar syrup than the recipe calls for, and you should only drink limoncello in a cocktail.  Otherwise, gross.

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Gradtravaganza

Many moons ago, The Frugals Hostess and Husband were introduced by their friend, The Photographeuse.  It was a dark and stormy night, and the -- OK, it was St. Patrick's Day, and they were all drinking beer at this restaurant where TFH's sister used to work called The Mill that's closed now, and there was this one guy who acted like a complete jackass....  But TFH digresses.  They feel lucky to still have The Photographeuse as a friend, so when she graduated from art school a few weeks ago, The Frugal Hostess insisted that a party be had.

The Photographeuse has a secret boyfriend, hereafter referred to as The Secret Boyfriend, who actually took charge of the party planning and made it all happen.  He deftly arranged for the event to be held at The Frugal Homestead and even offered to supply the booze.  The Secret Boyfriend wanted it to be a special night for The Photographeuse, which is probably why she wants him to be secret -- all the ladies would come a-running if they knew how thoughtful he was.

So, with the beverage situation in the capable hands of The Secret Boyfriend, TFH turned her attention where it rightfully belonged - on the decorations.  A trip to an out-of-town Salvation Army yielded two mortar boards (that's what the graduation hat is called) and a paper/cardboard congratulations banner.  Red and blue featured prominently in both items, so The Frugal Hostess based the rest of the decorations around those colors.  She had seen, over the preceding months, several iterations of fabric banners that were delightful.  [Incidentally, is it just TFH, or is the word "iteration" gaining in popularity lately?  It's almost like some words have better lobbyists or publicists than others and get picked up by the buzzword-loving corporate set.]  Check some of them out here and here. 

Using fabric she already had (because she is a junior hoarder), The Frugal Hostess made a fabric banner for her front porch that made her very happy.  Here you go:

Ingredients
Fabric swatches in the colors you dig
Pinking shears (easier said than done)
Polyvinyl Acetate Adhesive (PVA is used for bookbinding and is a very flexible adhesive.  Fabric glue and probably a hot glue gun would work just as well.)
Small paintbrush
Cup of water
Scrap paper to use for a mat
Piece of ribbon long enough to hang banner

Directions
1.  Measure the spot you'd like to hang the banner, then add a few inches on either side just in case.
2.  Cut the ribbon to size.  Thinner ribbon (like, maybe slightly wider than a piece of string) works best for this.
3.  Find some pinking shears.  It took The Frugal Hostess five stores, plus some garage sales, to find pinking shears, so don't count on finding them at obvious places like Target.  Go straight to a sewing or craft store, and ask for help, because they are easy to miss.

4.  Cut the fabric you like into shape.  Ha!  Great instructions, huh?  OK, you're looking for a pennant-shaped triangle, but it needs to be folded over so that it's double-sided.  So, take a piece of fabric, fold it in half, and then cut out the shape.  (The Frugal Hostess realizes this is a little unclear, so email her if you need more detail - it's strangely hard to explain, but hopefully the pictures help.)
5.  Once you have enough double-triangle-pennants to fill your space, it's time to start gluing.  Open the fabric shape, place the ribbon inside on the fold, and spread PVA glue on one side with the paintbrush.  You want the glue to be spread thinly and evenly, without saturating the fabric too much.  That's where the cup of water comes in handy.  You also don't want to glue the thing to your table, so use the piece of paper as a mat.

6.  Stick the two sides of fabric together, and move on to the next piece.  Alternate colors, but maybe try not to be too regular about it, so that you achieve the cool handmade-by-pioneer-girls-back-in-the-day vibe.

7.  After you've filled the whole piece of ribbon with glued up fabric pennants, let it dry for a while and then hang!  The best part about this decoration is that it is not disposable and can be used it again for other occasions, so be sure you save it.

For the party, The Frugal Hostess dangled the two graduation hats on ribbons from hooks on either side of the front porch.  The banner went across the middle and looked so cool that she forgot to take a picture.  Bad job, TFH!  She also made a graduation hat for the monkey bust in the bathroom (What?  You don't have that?), which was universally the best part of the whole party.  And, the leftover fabric was cut into more pennants to be used as cocktail napkins.  Which no one used, but that is neither here nor there.

Menu-wise, TFH just did her typical easy cocktail party menu plus deviled eggs, and The Photographeuse brought salsa, bruschetta, boiled peanuts, and other yummy snacks.  It was lots of fun and a very frugal way to celebrate a friend!


Congrats, The Photographeuse!

The Frugal Hostess has a monkey bust in her bathroom.  Clearly something is wrong.  Please comment. You can also join the Frugalistas on Facebook for exclusive content, subscribe so that you always know when a new post appears or follow on Twitter.

Tweetle Dee Dee

The Frugal Hostess has finally succumbed to the wishes of her Internet Overlord (that's right, she has one of those, you wanna make something of it?) and opened a Twitter account.  It is darn hard to stay in the third person in 140 characters or less, but she is doing what she can.  Please follow her at www.twitter.com/frugalhostess or @frugalhostess.  One of these days she'll put a cute little Twitter button up over there (<--- that way, dude), but for the time being you'll just have to click on through.  If you tweet and want to connect, leave your handle in the comments.

She loves you,
The Frugal Hostess

The Frugal Hostess is totally insane and will chop your head off if you don't comment. Just kidding.  Please comment. You can also join the Frugalistas on Facebook for exclusive content or subscribe so that you always know when a new post appears.